So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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