I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
