summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
