Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
