She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
