sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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