margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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