I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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