chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
