I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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