Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
