I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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