he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
