Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
