i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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