remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
