Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
