Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
