everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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