Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
