i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
