i just had sex bonerless
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
