If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
