You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Found your dick twin last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
