I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
