Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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