Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
