he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
