dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
