You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
