Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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