Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
