You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
