Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
