If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I intend to get homeless drunk
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
