All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
