i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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