I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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