Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
