On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
