we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Mom said you looked used
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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