I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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