My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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