Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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