Michael Bay diarrhea
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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