Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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