I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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