dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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