Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
