hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
