I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
