Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
