come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
