I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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