what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
