He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
