NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
