Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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