from now on my penis is your penis
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I need a burrito and a hug.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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