new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
