Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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